The Snooze Loop
The alarm clock goes off for the ninth time this morning, another snooze is welcomed by a mind quickly admitting defeat, again. Two heavy eyelids clench shut as foggy thoughts fade away into yet another dream. Another hour passes, the unconscious hand hits snooze without hesitation, every nine minutes. A dozen screenshots of an alarm fulfilling its duty decorates the only recent photos taken in weeks. The late waking hours serve a reminder of the things I wish I would’ve already done, pushing another rush of stress into a system already overwhelmed with two gazillion thoughts. Ironically, the only clear thought caught amidst the fog was “ If only time would run forward to another morning, a fresh start, then I’ll wake up and get up and defeat this snooze on a loop.”.
Another morning arrives and I stand before the same wall as yesterday, it doesn’t appear intimidating from afar. When faced with the bricks, the cue to climb is loud and clear. Just take one step, one push, one deep breath followed by a jump. Why, why is this so hard. I used to jump this wall every day, like a ballerina flying over hurdles in an effortless split leap. Suddenly this task seems impossible, like competing in a race with two drowsily numb arms and an ingrown nail stabbing your every step. The ability to climb the wall is clogged by feelings of worry, failure, and self-doubt. The cure? Well, I’m not really sure — but a spring cleaning of the mind seems in place, at least according to the common sense of resolving any blockage hindering you to move past, around, or through towards a goal in sight.
This brain fog of mine has become something of an unwelcomed pet. I feed it, take it for walks and softly stroke it everyday. Hoping, tomorrow it might just run away. The biggest struggle remains a case of being too nice, too gentle and a little too sweet. These are traits taught since the first breath of life, perhaps even engraved into my DNA. Today these are the traits that anchor and sink an ambitious mind desperately attempting to jump back into a lively life again.
There is a deep sense of defeat and shame in being stuck in the snooze loop. It feels like a mental flu, you might think that maybe waiting it out will have it cleared up before anyone even knows it was there. In my experience, it won’t clear up on its own (I’ve been waiting long enough to be sure). It doesn’t need to be a chronic cloud, but keep in mind it doesn’t affect us all the same, nor is there a magical fix-all pill that will clear it up organically for all. The first step is recognizing that you are a hostage of the loop, the second is admitting that something must change and then committing to break the cycle. Choosing not to talk about the snooze loop feels the same as denying its existence, but it’s 2021 and I think we are ready to admit that we are not always as fantastic as our IG’s might portray.
I’ve been in this loop off and on since a series of hapless events unfolded, one after the other, slowly picking away at what I thought was an undefeatable core. Day in and day out hoping luck will turn, dulling down what used to shine brightly. I was lovingly reminded that the only way to move forward is to start, start with something, anything. So, I decided to start by opening up and sharing a few words. They don’t need to be read, but they need to be released from my knotted head. There’s a lot of rubbish clogging this mind, maybe there are things clogging yours too. Surely I’m not the only one struggling to make sense of the world around us. I tend to struggle in silence while trying not to burden anyone, perhaps that’s the problem.
The last snooze has been pushed and screenshotted, it’s time to break the loop.
